NVC- Requests or Demands

The last crucial point in this fourth pillar of NVC, request is understanding the difference between requests and demands.

Our conditioning is such that based on the relationship there is an inbuilt expectation in the response we are looking for from our requests made. For example, I did request my daughter to have a conversation regarding her room and how it needs to be maintained. And in case she turns around and says, ‘I am not free at the moment’, or ‘I find it difficult to keep the room clean as per your expectations. This is clean enough for me’. What is my response to this rejection from my daughter.

Do I take offence and rebuke her with, ‘This is what hurts me, you don’t listen to me and want to disobey me! I am politely requesting you to do something, and you have your own agenda.’ If this is my response, then I am making a demand cloaked as a request.

A request is expressed in a way that expresses my feelings (frustrated because I need order) in a way that doesn’t blame the other person (your disorderly room upsets me, if you could keep it in order, I will be happier). I am willing to listen to a no and be there to understand the reason for the rejection with an open heart. Demands implicitly or explicitly blame or punish the person who does not comply. A demand risks or disregards the willingness of the other, whereas a request keeps the other person’s viewpoint in consideration and hopes the request is acceded to willingly.

Marshal Rosenberg goes a step further and says, “The most powerful way to communicate that we are making a genuine request is to empathize with people when they don’t respond to the request.” We are disappointed to receive rejection, yet our focus remains on connection, and we are prepared to show empathic understanding of what prevents the other person from complying to the request made.  Our willingness to be there and listen to the other person paves way for communication with an open heart. Once the resistance melts, the willing compliance is not far away either. In future, we can come to an understanding to meet one another half-way, which is also powerful and enriching.

As Rosenberg emphasizes, the underlying purpose of NVC — including making requests instead of demands — isn’t to get our way; it’s to build relationships based on honesty and empathy so that everyone’s needs can be met.