I am Sorry!

Of the three magical words, ‘Sorry!’ is closest to my heart!  Like thank you and please, I have used sorry also without any cognizance of the depth and life changing potential this word possesses.

Most of my apologies were automatic and mostly designed to cut short an uncomfortable conversation or to escape from an unwelcome situation. Sorry was also a cloak for me, my defense mechanism which told me that I was humble, I apologized even though I did not do anything wrong. The only time I meant my apology was also mostly out of self-sympathy, not out of regret or acceptance of the wrong that had just occurred.  I never had to put in any extra effort to apologize mindlessly and stomp out the room in anger. I was not aware of what I had done, why I done whatever I had done, and what I felt and needed at that time!

What I said to myself after saying ‘sorry’ for the above reasons was driving me into a dark hole of self- unawareness and distancing me from the Self. My inner self may have said something to help me acknowledge what I was going through and in what state of mind I had apologized. The words always made me feel guilty and like a bad person deserving of punishment, or a pseudo good person who pretended to be ego-less when the head was spinning with pride. Both these states were not life serving or life enriching.

The NVC path encourages me to never actually say the word, Sorry! Rather, this path prods me to understand the need and the feeling which brought about the urge to voice that expression. When I know why I have apologized and what I am seeking from the self, and the other with that one word, I can move closer to meeting that need of mine and expressing myself in a life enriching way.

I am sorry I shouted at you, can be replaced with; when I am not able to listen to you wholeheartedly, I get frustrated and start shouting just so I can shut you out and listen to myself. It will help me if we can pick one topic at a time and allow some time to process what you said.