Compliments - Criticisms

A people pleaser by nature, what others think about me, say about me was of paramount importance to me. My upbringing or conditioning was also such that I valued others’ opinions and paid less heed to what I thought of myself. Introspecting or inculcating the curiosity to know about self was not encouraged. It reflected selfishness or being needy, so I consciously shied away from looking within. I did not want to risk being called needy or selfish!

Building my self-esteem through the eyes of the other, relying on their opinion kept me in a state of suspense and worry. If friend A said I looked pretty, that made me very happy. At the same time if friend B had something unsavory to say about my looks, I would immediately go into an existential crisis. Was I pretty or ugly? What did I do to make her think I am not pretty? And unfortunately, the compliment was forgotten easily, and I kept craving for more. Whereas the unsavory stayed on for long.

Not only did I try to dig into the root cause of that opinion or judgement about me, I also unconsciously started adding opinions and judgements about that other, the one who expressed those criticisms. Very soon it became a vicious loop, and I would have brought myself to a state wherein I actively disliked that person or was hell bent on proving that person wrong! As if my very existence depended on disproving the others’ opinion of me. My opinions and judgements were also a reflection of what was being said about me. Not what I truly felt or thought of the other.

All of the above were because of lack of self-awareness. As I never had any opinion of myself, my need to belong, be accepted, was met when I was accepted and appreciated by others. And I felt rejected and alone when criticized.  I remained oblivious to my true self, my needs.